Spain Day 16- a new day

So two weeks ago I tried to pack my life into a suitcase which I brought with me to the small yet charming city of Logroño in Northern Spain (about 150000 inhabitants, capital of La Rioja region and known for its wine). Among the priorities on my packing list were my tap shoes, travel hula hoop (thanks to best friend extraordinaire) and various meaningful tokens that tie me to the people I love the most in this world.

Adjusting thus far and coming to terms with this move hasn’t been easy. We don’t realise the things we love the most until we are distanced from them. Yes I am here to find that part of myself I have always been yearning for, but I can’t help but feel that somewhere on my travels I left something behind, something that means more than anything else.

I’m here in beautiful Spain, surrounded by a world of opportunities and experiences yet-to-be-lived. Step one is complete. I’m in Spain and I’m here for the long haul. I don’t know what the coming year will bring but I know that it’s time for me to live it, and that’s why I’m going to keep updating here. Maybe along the way I’ll find what I was looking for.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new chance to explore, to learn, to live. And I hope that I will live it to the very fullest.

   
 

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Darkness

My darkness grows, overflows,
no one knows.

My darkness hides, where it abides,
flows in tides.

My darkness screams, haunts my dreams,
so it seems.

My darkness frightens, its grip tightens,
my fear heightens.

But I am stronger, my light will conquer,

my heart beats longer.

I Miss You

I miss the way you wrap me up like no demons are there,

I miss the way you pick me up and hold me in the air.

I miss the way you smile and look me in the eye,

I miss the way you show you love me simply with a sigh.

I miss your laugh, your jokes, your touch

that keep me safe when life’s too much.

I miss the life you’ve given me, the beauty I now see,

But most of all I miss the way you make me feel like me.

Depression

  Depression appears human and comforting but is an empty shell. Through its mask of deception and darkness all that once had meaning begins to stop making sense. Depression plunges its victims deep into dark clouds, and its tendrils keep them captive when they try to escape. 

5 Things I wish I knew at 15

This is a tough one for me to write as first of all it forces me to accept that there is a problem, but it is also important as it allows me to heal and try to move on from some of the darkest days in my life. I am not trying to say that I understand everything about mental illness and the struggles of others as everyone’s story is different. If anyone out there ever needs someone to talk to, ever needs to feel heard or ever needs someone to let them know they are not alone please get in contact with me. It means everything to me to be available to help others, no matter where in the world you are.

1. It’s OK to not be OK and it’s OK to talk about it

I have found this very hard as in my mind I often associate my sickness with personal weakness in a way I would never do to a friend suffering through similar things. Mental illness can drive you to believe that you are making the problem up to keep its firm hold over you, which can make it so hard to seek the help you desperately need to fight. A large part of that fight is learning to break the silence and be open about your struggles with the people you love and trust.

2. Admitting there is a problem is NOT failure

Each and every day you get up and you fight you are winning against your illness. You need to keep telling yourself that you are strong, you are important in the lives of others and you can win (even if you don’t believe these things at first).

3. Your mental illness lies

Promises of being loved, being better, stronger, fitter if you follow a certain path are not true as you are already loved for who you are and already so strong for fighting. Equally some of the things your mental illness might scream at you like “you’re fat and disgusting” or “nobody cares about you” or “you are worthless” are your illness’s often convincing way of trying to keep its hold over you.

4. You are not a burden and people’s lives are made better by having you in them

Sometimes it might feel as though you are only weighing other people down, especially with some of the insults mental illnesses like to hurl at people. Making footprints in the lives of others is inevitable. As much as we may want to slip away there are always ties keeping us in this world, even in little ways, and there are always people who would be torn apart in some way by losing you.

5. Better does exist, no matter how bad it gets

This isn’t a promise that I make lightly as I haven’t believed it until very recently, especially when I was approaching rock bottom. Even on the darkest of days the sun is still hidden behind a cloud. There is always hope and there is always a possibility in this life of something better. You are a part of something important. Hang in there, stay strong and know that the darkness isn’t everything.

 

The Dishonest Ones

One step, two steps, three, four… I’m getting closer. My heart reaches for the freedom, my head gasps for clarity. You see, everything that people say about the first step being the hardest is wrong. It is that last step, that sense of finality, that feeling that you have achieved your life’s purpose… What would I be after that last step? What would my life mean? I pause for a moment until I look down and remember what I was running from in the first place. It’s enough to keep me going for now. I don’t want to be contained anymore.  My heart will keep beating and my filthy blood will continue to fight, to fill every fibre of my body with life and hope until the end. But why is it that in this moment, I find myself searching for more time? I have never been afraid of death; in fact, at some points in my life I have welcomed it. There was something I couldn’t get out of my head. I couldn’t die now, having loved, having lost, having been betrayed. Surely there is something more. “I’m not done yet,” I whisper to myself as I race on into the darkness, into the unknown, both unafraid and petrified at the same time.