Love

Is it in a look,

a smile, a touch,

that I love you so much

that I cannot count the ways?

Is it in the darkness,

when I search and meet your eyes,

that you see through the lies,

that my lips may say?

Is it in your arms,

that keep out all fear,

that you fend off the badness

by holding me near?

I don’t know,

just hold me close,

looking forward

don’t let go.

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Drag Me Away

Pull me deeper, deeper

Deeper

One more inch and I can’t breathe,

One more inch and I’m free.

Slowly I feel my final air

Start to escape,

As my lungs scream

As my lungs gasp.

I fight all worldly urges

And remember…

Up, up, up

I struggle downwards.

I fight with all the strength I have left.

I scorn whoever is dragging me back,

Back to the world from which I long to flee.

I am trapped.

I am desperate.

I am me.

The Fight

Some days I don’t feel like I can keep fighting. My body has given up on my mind and everything that I am or ever was no longer matters. Soon enough I’m bargaining with the darkness, yet no way out seems sufficient to clear away the clouds. Why do I carry on with this fight? Why do I always feel so alone? I am filled with love for some amazing people in this world, yet symbiotically filled with self-hatred.  It is as though I have been through some sunny days but know that I will never hold off the storm. Maybe I don’t know how to exist anymore.

5 Things to do to treat yourself rather than hurt yourself

For the past few months I have been studying DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) in a weekly group. One of the skills I have learned is known as “opposite to emotion action” or in simple terms, act in a way opposite to what you feel with the hope of feeling better for it. This technique can be used in situations from binge or disordered eating to isolation urges, from self-harm to anger. It is very hard to practise but very worthwhile if it is possible in the moment. Here are 5 opposite things you can do instead of harming yourself (be it physically, emotionally or unleashing anger).

  1. Have a long bath with all the trimmings. This is a really easy way to pamper yourself- light some candles, turn off the lights, put on some music and focus on relaxing and getting back in touch with your body. If you don’t have a bath, of course a shower could work just as well.
  2. Put on your favourite perfume or hand cream. Scent is a powerful sense and can not only bring up many past experiences but also many past emotions. Try to invoke some positivity with some of the scents you love the most. Another way to do this could be to light a candle.
  3. Go for a walk or a run. It doesn’t matter where you go, just as long as you leave the house and are out among nature. Fresh air and exercise can really help when trying to urge surf or refresh your mind.
  4. Arrange to see a friend or family member. The people that matter in our life remind us what we are fighting for. Love can sometimes be all it takes to keep us going.
  5. Treat yourself to a pampering. Be it a massage, getting your nails or hair done, getting a tan or getting your make-up done, pick something that makes you feel beautiful, empowered or at least a little bit good about your body. Look after yourself because you deserve it.

If anyone else has any ideas please comment so that we can cover all bases and have this list out there for anyone that needs it.

Moving Forward

Moving Forward

With her shallow smile she hides,

The darkness she cannot show,

For in her heart a monster abides,

That she wishes no other to know.

She tries to run, escape the beast,

The beast that holds her heart,

Hoping one day she’ll be released,

But loneliness stops her start.

One day a light comes in her life,

A flicker, though it seems,

And after all her pain and strife,

The hope plays on her dreams.

When she sees his gleaming smile,

She finds she can be strong,

She stands up to fight a while,

To discover her own heart’s song.

Slowly but surely her laugh is filled,

With feelings she knows are true.

Happiness and freedom are instilled,

By a face that she turns to.

She takes comfort in his eyes,

Her cares do fall behind,

He removes her safe disguise,

With a goodness he helps her find.

She will never feel alone,

Lying in his hold,

She will find a light unknown,

And her darkness will grow old.

Grip

Grip

Rip me, bleed me, tear me whole,

Rip me, bleed me, take my soul.

Running, hiding, can’t be free,

It’s way too hard to hide from me.

My body is a prison, my hands are my tools,

Eating, indulging- the games of fools.

One day soon you’ll make me strong,

Become so perfect that I belong.

Don’t let go of me please

You’re my hope and my disease.

One day I’ll fight you to shake you off,

But you’ll grip tighter before you scoff,

That I dare face you, my only lord

And give me guilt as my reward.

I close my eyes from the terrors I see,

And finally know that the terror is me.

Your grip is tight, the night is long,

I’ll become so perfect that I belong.